No Wasted Pain

“‘Life sucks and then you die.’  Yeah, I should be so lucky.”  ~Jacob in Breaking Dawn

I feel that way quite often.  Sometimes I see all the things I missed in life growing up.  

~Having the chance to fit in

~Knowing American culture

~Having the chance to really do well in school - not having to teach myself everything by reading books without any real teachers past fourth or fifth grade.

~Being allowed to express my emotions

~Having friends

~Worshiping God from the heart instead of just the head

~Being absolutely sure that I and my pets were safe in the hands of my parents

~Feeling loved

~Learning how to relate to others appropriately

~Having choices like what to wear

~Having chances to go out with friends

~Knowing what I liked

~Knowing what I wanted - or even just being allowed to think about it

Many of those things I can do now, but I will never get back that time.  I will never be able to change the fact that I didn’t have any of those things until I worked hard to think for myself, knew that I wanted them, fought for them, and was of legal age to make my own decisions.  Some things I will never get back.  It will always be hard for me to just fit in with the average person.  My background is so different!  

When will I be able to join in a discussion of fashionable clothing without having dozens of flashbacks (making it look like I am staring into space) and eventually admitting that this is all very new for me and I still have plenty of fears about not hiding my body well enough.  When will I be able to see a little girl enjoying worship at church - totally free to be herself - without the parched ache of knowing that was who I wanted to be, but wasn’t allowed to be?  Will I ever be able to look at a teenage girl in a school sports team without wishing that sports and camaraderie did not exist in my world at that age - that PE hadn’t been just walking around town?  Will I ever look at a band or orchestra without jealousy that I never had the chance to play instruments with a group on a regular basis?  Will I ever not feel a surge of anger and a stab in my heart when I hear a certain classical piece that was not good enough for my parents and therefore they wouldn’t let me play in a string workshop with an orchestra because they were playing that piece?  Or maybe that feeling comes from not being given that choice myself even though I was at least sixteen? 

There are so many things that are just so not right about how I was raised.  So many things that hurt.  So many things that make me want to punch something.  So many things that seem like they will be impossible for me forever.  

But then, in the midst of all that, I hear three words: no wasted pain.  Right, I never will get back those years of my life.  They will never change.  They are set in stone.  And that is a good thing.  It is through those years - through those very same experiences and lack of experiences  - that I learned things more valuable to me than American culture or Romeo and Juliet.  It is those very same painful experiences that taught me to be compassionate, to feel deeply, to understand, to give grace, to love, to care, and how gloriously and amazingly beautiful beyond words it is to be free!  It has given me the passion necessary - if not the strength - to fight, to live, and to die for my sisters who are in slavery so that they can be free too.  

I will enjoy life as much as possible and feel the beautiful freedom myself just to feel the pleasure of being alive.  It is like the first warm breeze of spring when it blows though your hair and fills your lungs with fresh, life-giving air after a long winter of choking on the cold day after day.  But the most important reason I don’t want to go straight to Heaven and forget the terror of this earth is that I am prepared - unlike any other upbringing would have prepared me - to make a difference.  Prepared to give other girls, who were raised in the same or similar situations, a chance to be free.  Hmmm, yes, it is worth every bit of the pain.  None of it was wasted or useless.

Strangely, this knowledge, this feeling, doesn’t make me ignore or minimize the pain.  It gives me the strength to embrace the hurt... and then... it heals.  It gives meaning and worth to even the most painful memories.  One more time I say, “Yes!  It was worth it after all.”  

“I've had to face death, and loss, and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, more real, more myself. Because it is my world too. It's where I belong.” Bella 

(Ok, ok, I’ll stop with the quotes already!)

~Sophie Anderson

Something Helpful to Remember

Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time.  At least occasionally he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy.  This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments.  When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day.  But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person. ...

The trauma of chronic abuse can also make a woman develop fears of being alone at night, anxiety about her competence to manage her life on her own, and feelings of isolation from other people, especially if the abuser has driven her apart from her friends or family.  All of these effects of abuse can make it much more difficult to separate from an abusive partner than from a nonabusive one....

One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become more independent.  These lists can guide you in focusing your energy in the directions you need to go.

~Lundy Bancroft

IBLP/ATI

I could say so many things about IBLP and ATI, but I think the best thing to say is this...
There has already been a very good book written on the subject.  As far as I can see, and from my experiences with this group it is very accurate.  The authors are not out to ruin IBLP or Mr. Gothard.  They wrote the book so that anyone who really cared could know the truth without getting into the organization over their heads.  Mr. Gothard told everyone not to read this book or believe any of it.  I wonder why.  If it is so untrue, the people close to him should be able to easily see that.  The book is...
A Matter of Basic Principles by Don Veinot, Joy Veinot, and Ron Henzel

You want the truth?  Read that book.

To Mrs. Stacy McDonald

Stacy, (and whoever it may concern) I would like to present a case for quivering daughters everywhere from your own life and words.   For those who don't know, Stacy and James were both married, had at least one child, and divorced before their marriage to each other.  Stacy, here are some of your own words regarding that. "Those who have never endured the wrenching pain of an adulterous betrayal cannot fathom how truly devastating it is. James and I have both experienced it first hand. You see, we were both married before. Though we each bear the scars inflicted by infidelity, we also carry the indelible mark of healing that comes from the One who gave us beauty for ashes— the One who did not leave us hopeless and forsaken; but, instead blessed us by bringing us together and choosing to use us as a couple—as a family—for His glory. ... There is no question of whether or not we were perfect spouses—we were not! But that does not negate the fact that we were both the “innocent victims” of adultery... it is not the victim of adultery or desertion who has “put asunder” the marriage...Furthermore, a widow can be defined as one who has been abandoned by a spouse, either through death or divorce...The victim of adultery or abandonment may be rightly considered simply a 'widow;' " ~Stacy McDonald in her post "Beauty for Ashes:A Testimony" First of all, I don't claim to know what is all right and wrong about divorce and remarriage, but please, don't go redefining the English language just so that you can justify yourself!  Honestly, I would not consider this to be a blight on your record if it were not for your cruel judgement of women who say very similar things in regard to patriarchy.  The hypocrisy is glaring.  It is all right for you to say that your ex-husband and husband's ex-wife were the ones in the wrong, that they did evil, and that you were very much hurt by that, but when Hillary McFarland and others say that their parents wronged them and it caused great pain, you say that they are just bitter, selfish, and dragging their parents through the mud for no reason at all! "In her mind, it seemed, the source of her depression wasn’t... clear, tangible examples of abuse (I kept waiting)" ~Stacy McDonald in her review of Quivering Daughters "I am so sorry you had to hug him.  You should never have to hug anyone you don't want to, ever.  He told you he was a sex addict?  And nobody listened?  He told you that God said you'd move in with him when you turned 18 - and you were terrified, and prayed that God wouldn't? But then you remembered that your wants are "of the flesh" and we should die to our flesh.  That it's best to get what we don't want so that we learn godly character - how to deny ourselves.  So you secretly feared you really were going to live with him, even though he was gross and fifty and you were eight and he drooled and his mouth was yucky and he smelled.  And you had to help clean his house, because he lived by himself.  He kept chasing you around with his arms out. And tickling you. But he was a 'ministry'"  Hillary McFarland talking to Luna in Quivering Daughters Being spanked and humiliated for accidentally taking a candy from a store at three years old, being bathed in kerosene, sometimes only being allowed to bathe once every two weeks, not having a working bathroom or even outhouse, being forced into hard labor all day and then made to feel guilty because you didn't have time to read your Bible and were grumpy with the people around you, being indoctrinated for hours, being looked at "down there" and having parents and teachers talk as if any little thing you do will get you raped, not having proper or adequate medical care, having your pets' lives threatened and/or taken...  The stories go on and on, and they are not stories that belong only to Hillary - they belong to all quivering daughters to some degree or another. These are not made-up stories, nor are they insignificant.  They are stories that would tend to remind me of books written by survivors of concentration camps.  I think of Corrie Ten Boom's account of the camps she and her family were in during WWII in Germany.  The "medical examinations" where their privacy was needlessly invaded while being denied any true medical care, the hard work for long hours, the strictness and severity of discipline, the filth, the angry guards who would punish them for anything that wasn't in their exact line of plans for them. etc.  I understand that conditions were worse in those camps, but they are comparable to some degree, and no one has the right to say that there were no "clear, tangible examples of abuse". So, Stacy, my question for you is this - how is it that you and your husband are innocent victims or "grace-widows" of ex-spouses (someone you could - and did - get away from, were equal to, and had chosen to be with in the first place), and yet we, who have been treated so horribly by those who we had no choice but to be with and who were sworn (by God-given duty and by their own choice to bring us into the world) to protect and provide for, are simply lazy, rebellious children (forget the fact that we are actually adults) who are sick of chores and feel a bit misunderstood? How can you even compare loss of privileges for a 12 year old girl because she posted inappropriate pictures of herself  on the internet to beating an adult woman because she disagrees with you - or any other number of other true abuses  we have had to deal with?  (As you did in your post "What is Abuse?")  Are you really going to defend those sorts of actions?   If not, then please come out and say so.  At least your followers will stop thinking you do, and some will stop treating their  adult daughters that way. I really don't think you know what you are talking about when you speak of us and our experiences.  Have you ever truly listened, or are you just trying to make yourself look better because the truth we present has you  running scared? Stacy, we do not underestimate your pain or say that it doesn't matter or comes from your sinful nature and choices. Please do not treat us and our pain with such disrespect and distain.

Thomas Jefferson on the Old Ways and Truth

I have found that in these cult circles the founders of America are often upheld as good examples.  They are quoted almost as highly Scripture in some cases.  Much like wearing antiquated styles of clothing is considered more appropriate, holy, and modest than wearing clothes that are modern; quoting the founding fathers of America is good while quoting any modern day person - particularly someone in the field of psychology - is bad.  So here are some quotes that could use some mulling over.

"The Gothic idea that we were to look backwards instead of 
forwards for the improvement of the human mind, and to recur to
the annals of our ancestors for what is most perfect in 
government, in religion and in learning, is worthy of those bigots
in religion and government by whom it has been recommended, and 
whose purposes it would answer.  But it is not an idea which this 
country will endure." --Thomas Jefferson to Joseph Priestley, 1800.


"Truth is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has
nothing to fear from the conflict, unless, by human interposition, 
disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate; errors 
ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict 
them." --Thomas Jefferson: Statute of Religious Freedom, 1779.


"Truth and reason are eternal.  They have prevailed.  And they
will eternally prevail; however, in times and places they may be
overborne for a while by violence, military, civil, or
ecclesiastical." --Thomas Jefferson to Rev. Samuel Knox, 1810.


"We are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to
tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it."
--Thomas Jefferson to William Roscoe, 1820.